[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, June 17th, 2006|
Ever wake up and not realize you are not awake yet. I've been feeling funky. Not physically, as I for the first time in awhile was able to consummate with my beautiful partner. But, I am a little lost these days. I think I need to get out and socialize. But, I'm not very sophisticated nor am I that comfortable just going someplace just for the sole reason of meeting others. It feels a little too much like stocking to me. Nonetheless, here I am.
Any comments or direction appreciated.
|Monday, May 8th, 2006|
Ode to Ludwig Von Beethoven
A calm Saturday afternoon,
Watching Saturday features for kids on ABC
That pure girl playing
So forlornly, so lonely, so soft
What indescribable peace--like no feeling could penetrate
Not even my own loneliness, my own sadness
Lost in a dream of promise
But with a price too high for me to ever afford
I only see her back now never aged
Never realized, never loved, never found
Only that Moonlight sonata forever linking her to me
I am forever hers'
|Tuesday, April 11th, 2006|
I am a newbie. I have had an account with LiveJournal for awhile, but have not really done anything with it.
I am a married man aged 40 and counting. My wife is beautiful and very smart and very--shall I say provocative?!-- But, she is right I do need to get out more. I am open-minded about sexual orientation, and I would like to think that I am open minded about polyamorous relationships, but I have an insecurity about this particular issue that limits me at times.
I/We have a child, but I will limit what I say about that. [I just viewed a news program on internet stocking of children and I want to avoid trouble].
Anyway, I am fairly intelligent myself, tend to be considerate of others, am committed to family. I do however have a dark side. I am often restless and despite my intelligence have a short term memory impairment from an accident a number of years ago.
I am okay looking, blue eyed and dirty blond hair, I am about 6'0", 250 lbs. This means that I am chubby around the waist.
I walk on a daily basis which manages my weight a bit. My real problem is that I tend to eat like I ate when I was 16 years old living at the beach and swimming on the swim team at school.
I have a Master's Degree in Social Work. I primarily work in the health care field, but am disabled currently.
I don't think I am necessarily a freak, but it's not out of the realm of possibilities.
I like all kinds of music with the exception of most rap and most country-western music. Primarily, I like classic rock, some of this new rock-type angst-type music my wife and off-spring listen to, jazz, and classical music (especially Baroque era Mozart, Hadyn, earlier Bach, latter Betthoven (sp?)).
Politically, I am a democrat, and vote religiously. I'm too poor to really have a voice in politics, but I daydream about grand social injustices and setting things right.
|Thursday, March 9th, 2006|
The Boy Who Knew Too Much
My story begins slightly before birth.
A thought...Terri, I thought you said you said your were pregnant?
Terri, "yea, but don't tell anyone...my daddy is going to kill me!"
"Well, you got to tell someone...."
"Yea, I know, I was going to call my Aunt Ester...but I don't know?"
"What about Ben? Yea, I told him...he's angry? Asked me if I wanted him to marry him or something?"
"I think I will have to, but I'm in too much trouble to think straight. My mom is never going to talk to me again... after she yells at me."
Little no-name, "Not me's!"
"you, me, she, I , your, anyone, Terri, my, Daddy, Aunt Ester, mom, Ben, him, he's, someone, I'm"
"I'm me,my,you,and your."
Well, this type of thinking went on for hours interspersed with silence from the not-me's.
I was very warm at times,,,,and the you that was me got drunk-slow a few times and stoned-irradict at other times...
This troubled me. I did not have control of these feelings. I merely realized that the me, my, you, I were different from "my baby". I realized that My baby and me,my,I, yours, and I'm were different, furthermore, My Baby must be the active thinker of these two living creatures.
So I tinkered with the My Baby versus me, my, you, I for an hour. My thinking was impacted by a myriad of external factors, for example, the chemicals in My Baby that were generated by Me,my, you,I once after being whipped, once after sex, and a third at My Baby's birth and separation from Me,my, you, I who will henceforth be referred to as Mom.
I will be henceforth Benny. This will be because I had no immediate power of persuasion due to my lack of fine motor skills due to my genetically preset physical development. Thus, I was unable to communicate aside from my shaking my head from side to side when I was trying to quell a headache, that I had learned meant, 'no'. Yes was similarly primatively discovered by my swallowing a spoonful of applesauce and noticing that I recieved another spoonful of applesauce if I bobbed my head up and down.
|Wednesday, March 1st, 2006|
Had a good day today. I am making a little headway on nailing down my daughter's schooling for the next couple of years and I made contact with someone to hopefully add some interest to my owl display that I have planned at the local library in October.
My one startling issue today was my heartbeat racing at 90 beats a minute. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the nurse who answered the phone. She states that it may not be anything to be concerned about- heart rates range between 60 and 100 based on various factors. She told me to check my pulse in the morning and call back to report.
|Saturday, February 25th, 2006|
I am just returning from a dance performance my daughter was in and I am blown away. She is getting so good and grown up! She stood out in the performance and was super! Her timing is excellent and her leg kicks and splits were great. I can't believe my chunky little girl in the white leotard has grown into such a dynamic performer. It was also some how impressive when she and her classmate helped direct the girls in the 5-6 year old group through their routine.
Her dance teacher has been laying down the feelers to see if I am okay with her and a friend at the dance studio teaching their own class next term. My daughter says she would be okay with it. My only concern is that next year she is starting in the IB Program and that's going to be intense. That with her dance, and her desire to work. I don't know how we're going to fit it all in.
Well, we'll just have to see what comes.
|Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006|
Had a wonderful book club meeting last night. Rhett DeVane, a local author, was in the group and led a lively conversation. Her book, "The Madhatter's Guide to Chocolate", is the first in a series that looks interesting. I have subsequently stopped reading her second book, "Up the Devil's Belly", so that I can take the series from the beginning. The series focuses on the internal political/social life of Chattahoochee, Florida. It caught my interests initially because of my previous enjoyment reading another local auther in Thomasville, Georgia, Bailey White. Ms. DeVane's is not intended to be funny, but the small town goings on is alluring to me. I am not sure why, because I have lived all my life in various constructed, planned, monotone developments that signify a pathetic attempt to claim a piece of the American Dream. Additionally, I have not really been accepted by any of the people I have run into from small towns--I haven't put in the time required to be taken in I suppose-- but nonetheless I like the genre.
Anyway, I hadn't completed reading "Up the Devil's Belly" to be as involved as I would have liked. I also felt a little guilty for not being prepared--kind of thinking I was disrespecting the author, which I was not of course trying to do. So, I now have purchased the first book---which she graciously autographed--and be about following her writing. Another kind of interesting thing about this author is that she lives in the subdivision across the street from mine. Her's is a class up from mine, but nonetheless I find that kind of cool. I often walk my dog over there and enjoy the scenery.
One little irritation from last night I must comment on. I had previously submitted an application to volunteer at this library branch. The host for last nights shin dig also is involved with the volunteers in some way, and she told me that they did not at present have any need for volunteers and attempted to suggest another branch in town. Well, the original idea behind my wanting to volunteer at this library--besides my desire to be involved with the library---was to have something near my house, that I could simply run up to to do. Well, she apologized and said that my references were glowing, but that they just did not have the need at present. So, I am crushed.
Well, back to reading. I have a number of books I need to just sit down and read so I'm off.
|Monday, February 20th, 2006|
|Another doctor story
Well I have just returned from my first official visit to a pulmonologist. A bit overwhelming, but my demented mind only got bits and pieces. For instance that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat is called a uvula, I knew that but had no clue what it does--ANSWER Keeps you from shooting things out your nose if you happen to be choking or coughing in an unusual position--like upside down.
I have to go do a sleep study to evaluate whether or not I have sleep apnea.. And if so, how severe. If so. I may have some very weird things done to me. The first bizarre thing is that I may have to have my uvula removed---no more coughing upside for me. The other thing strange is being presribed a CPAP which is an air machine that forcibly shots air down ones breathing pathways to get air past my tongue when I am sleeping on my back. Another scary to me option is to simply get a tracheodomy tube---images of Robin Williams and his "I'd like to thank the Phillip Morris people tonight..." skit. This doctor was also very interested and concerned about my driving. He feels that I should start thinking about no longer doing any driving at night.... I should rephrase...IF I have sleep apnea.... No driving for fear of falling asleep at the wheel.
My next step is to contact the sleep clinic and proceed.
|Tuesday, November 29th, 2005|
Wow, I am really enjoying "The World According to Garp". I thought that I read it a long time ago, but the Europe trip of Garp and Jenny was not remembered. I wonder if I merely just scanned it or never finished it before. I am such a Robin Williams fanatic. I think it is his deep hurt or pain that he somehow portrays that I feel I identify a little with. He kind of reminds me of my crazy step-father(RIP). I know that I picked up Garp because of the movie.
I am preparing for some love making tonight with my partner. Damn the medicine I am on. I used to be such an able partner, but now it takes forever to reach a climax. This at a time when my partner is going through some kind of sexual revolution. She is exploring her own power and opening up avenues that are both provacative and scarry. I don't know if I can keep up.(haha) I am so demented; on the one hand wanting to rip my clothes off in rage over her looking and interacting with other men, while simultaneously, being turned on by the possibilities of sex with other women and men.
Also, How does this fit into my own sense of morality? I am a Christian, but reject any kind of specific restraints on sex. Hey, if all parties are competent and adult and are honest--meaning, not trying to only think of themselves and are respecting of others. Why not explore new ways to love and have fun?
Well, lets see if I can get back to this site. Later!